Co sleeping (and other things that don't hurt your baby)

I’ve seen a lot of this lately, the parenting camps coming out in force; Someone posts a blog about how great baby training is. 3 people whole heartedly agree. 4 passive aggressive people comment “in the nicest way possible”. 3 people secretly cry into their pillow because they think they’re doing a bad job. Everyone feels awkward.

So, here’s my two pence!! The “Attachment Parent” camp seems to be getting the raw end of the deal. We’re the hippies, behind the times etc etc. So this blog is my educated (ish) input. Why AP parents choose this technique, and why these choices do not hurt their children. I’ll partake in a small amount of myth busting too, but I can’t include everything because it would take me all day and well, I have a kid to parent, yeah?!

 Co- sleeping. “You shouldn’t co sleep because you’ll roll over and smother your baby”. Wrong. Co sleeping the right way (E.G using the WHO guidelines), means that the baby is significantly safer. There is a much lower risk of SIDs for a child that is sleeping with a parent. This means; in a bed with a firm mattress, using different covers than the parent (like a baby sleeping bag), with a parent who is not under the influence of alcohol, medication, recreational drugs and a parent who does not smoke.

Co sleepers don’t just do it for this magical “bond” everyone talks about. Nor do they do it just because they’re lazy and it’s easier than having to get up to a baby in a different bed/room (which it is, I must admit). They do it because there is research that says it’s the best thing to do. You might not agree. And it’s OK not to agree. But it’s not OK to accuse someone of endangering their child when they aren’t.

Gina Ford and other “sleep trainers” are helping babies to learn how to sleep. Wrong. Some parents are of the belief that babies learn from experience. So, if you’re leaving a baby to cry until they fall asleep all you’re doing is teaching them that you will not meet their needs. Eventually the baby gives up communicating (aka crying) because it knows it will not be tended to. This is not a “contented little baby”. A recent study (spoken about here) has shown that the cortisol (stress hormone) in a baby that has been “sleep trained” was still dangerously high even when they were not crying. So while the mother was relaxed, the baby was still distressed. It’s written right there, which is why people opt not to do it. I’m not telling anyone what to do. But this is why I opt not to do it. Have I upset anyone yet? Because there is another “radical” form of parenting where people go to a crying child and still get a good night’s sleep. Hannah is a mum of twins, and she says “My 6 month old twin boys go into bed sleep between 7.30 and 8pm every night, and do not wake until 6-8am every morning. On the rare occasion that they wake and cry they are lifted, cuddled back to sleep and offered food. The whole process takes 15 minutes”. This mum never sleep trained her twins. There are options, it’s not black and white “you either teach your children to sleep or you’ll be tired forever”. And picking up a child at night DOES NOT HURT THEM OR HINDER THEIR LEARNING/GROWTH (shouty caps, because that’s the most ridiculous myth)

Breast Is Best. Yep. 

Aren’t you just sick of people ramming this saying down your throat? Everywhere you go they’re telling you that breast is best. Like they tell you to eat fruit and veg, stay hydrated and keep active. Though the latter 3 points don’t cause as much offence do they? Because people are weird and touchy about breastfeeding. It should be Breast is NORMAL. I’m a breast feeding peer supporter. I’m not the breast feeding police. Or the BF Mafia. I just believe that breast milk is the most normal way of providing nutrition to your child from the first hour of their life. Did you know that:

·         Less than 2% of women worldwide cannot physically breast feed. So when you’re told that your milk hasn’t come in or you’re not satisfying your newborn THINK AGAIN.

·         Formula is the fourth preferred option of feeding a newborn. Not the second to breast feeding. The fourth.

·         It’s free (“amazeballs!!” I hear you all cry)

·         It burns calories. Loads of them.

·         Breast feeding mothers actually get a better quality sleep. And it reduces your risks for PND.

·         Breast milk is considered effective treatment/help for patients going through chemotherapy. (They don’t call it Liquid Gold for nothing)

This is all fact. It’s not here to make you feel bad for using a bottle. Like the grass is green and the sky is blue (well, grey today), it’s just actual scientific fact.

And I only breastfed for 5 months.

And about the myths....

·         Breast feeding does not stop dads from bonding

·         Does not create needy babies

·         Does not make you a pervert

·         Does not mean that you have a baby on your boob 20 hours a day for the next 3 years.

Sleeping through the night.

This is an absolute pet peeve. I’m going to say this now- having a baby that sleeps through the night does not make you a better parent than someone who is up 3 times with their baby. You should not feel smug that you aren’t tired and you do not have the right to make other parents feel bad for having a child that doesn’t sleep. You shouldn’t use it as the basis of an argument “Well my child slept through from *** age so I must be right”. Pfft. Guess what... babies are programmed to wake up. They have stomachs the size of a ping pong ball, so they wake if they are hungry. They have been in the womb for 9 months, so they wake up if they feel lonely. There are different stages of sleep and their sleep is different to adults- they don’t sleep as deeply for as long because it is the body’s natural mechanism to reduce the risk of SIDs. My child sleeps through on average 10 nights out of 14. 2 nights ago he slept 8pm-8am. Last night he slept 7.30pm-6am. So sometimes I’m tired, other times I’m not. And it’s not the end of the world. He’ll sleep all night every night at some point. Do you ever hear of a healthy 16 year old that wakes their mum every night for a feed at 3am? No. Didn’t think so.

  Routine is important. YES! Is this something we all agree on? I think so...

Children need routine for security. It’s nice to know what to expect. It’s healthy and helps new mums stay sane.

We are a family from the Attachment Parent Camp. We have a routine. Just like the baby training camp. And the Each-To-Their-Own Camp. And the Passive Aggressive Camp. We all have some form of a routine.

Ours is a basic (skeleton) routine. We have an idea of the times we eat and sleep. We have a bath/story/song/bed routine (be it at 7pm or 8pm). It’s a flexible routine that means I’m free to do what the hell I want with my day. I don’t have to stress that my child has missed his 10am nap. I don’t stop shopping at 12pm for lunch. I just carry on until we’re ready for lunch. Maybe we’ll eat at 12.30pm. Or 1pm. But we do always have lunch around this time. Just because a routine doesn’t have strict timings does not mean that it isn’t effective.

Michele, a mum of 1, says “My 21 month old asks to go to bed when she is tired, whether that’s for day time naps or bed. Other friends seem to be battling their toddlers at night time. Our most important routine is at bedtime. It varies from 6.30-8.30pm but it is always bath, book and milk, same song etc”.

There is a RIGHT and a WRONG type of parenting.

Right is;

• ·         Showing solidarity with other parents in the fact that we ALL love our kids.
• ·         Respecting that people genuinely believe that they are doing the best they can for their children.
• ·         Listening to advice. Maybe someone has a read a study you haven’t. It doesn’t hurt to listen.

Wrong is;

• ·         Feeling smug when your kids sleep through
• ·         Lying. Exaggerating your child’s achievements to make other parents feel bad. Let’s be HONEST. Our children are all miracles, whether they potty train at 2 years or 4 years, recite the alphabet backwards from birth or don’t ever walk.
• ·         Unfollowing me because I wrote this blog. (that’s the worst one IMO)

So, carry on camping! Whichever camp you may be part of. But just remember that there is always a reason behind the choices that every parent makes. And please don't secretly hate me, if you disagree then comment and let me know. There's no harm in an open debate. 

Useful Links/Links I've used

Breastfeeding

Co sleeping and other peaceful parenting...

Dr Sears

Science and Co Sleeping

There are loads more if you want them. x x x